and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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