Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
