I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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