We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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