I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
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