The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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