I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
