Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
