Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I will be naked everywhere
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
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