I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
