She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
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Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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