Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
be right there i have to get my cape
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
