Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Four minutes until I can fart!
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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