There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
