I faked an abortion last night.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
