8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
