Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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