It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
