I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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