thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I think i got beer on your cat.
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