is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
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Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
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I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
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