Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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