He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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