It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
So much rum. So many feels.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I just forgot I was standing up.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
