I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
