Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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