You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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