Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
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You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
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Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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