Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
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You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
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I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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