His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
