last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
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