I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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