I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
