Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
