Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
