I wish I only lived at night.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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