Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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