Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I had to cum in my sink.
Dear god my vagina.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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