oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
