im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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