My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
