If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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