I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
false alarm. still invincible.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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