If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Pooping to opera.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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