I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
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