apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Semen is not good for contacts.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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