I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
