You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
