Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
