This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
