if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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