we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
