we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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